Devil monologue

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

INT: AN OFFICE.

The Devil, having been summoned, appears next to Scott. There's blood on the floor and Scott is at the desk with his head in his hands.

DEVIL

Did I hear someone say the magic words? "I'd sell my soul for…?" Hello, Scotty. Ooh, what a mess you've made! Looks like something I can help you with, my friend. I have the best bargains in the business just waiting for the right soul to drive 'em home. The Devil always honors his agreements.

(Looks around and sees the blood.)

Well, the blood all over the floor certainly makes the situation clear. You don't want to cut a "make me rich" deal so much as you want a "make this go away" plea bargain, am I right?

(The man nods.)

So what happened here to cause such a mess, Scotty? Your lady love giving you trouble? Your mother nag you one too many times? Just kidding, I know it was your business partner. So, let me help you out. Let's draw up some paperwork.

(A scroll appears in his hand.)

Just prick your finger, sign away your soul right here on the dotted line, and I'll start…hold up. Wait a minute.

(He peers at the paperwork, then goes pale.)

Whoa, okay, hold on. Let's not be hasty here. I mean, I want to help you out, I really do, but your soul is kind of…worthless. I mean, the way you treated your clients and partner is one thing-we can work with that. But you also…let's see, "vandalized a church," "lit a squirrel on fire," and "never replaced the toilet paper once."

(Stares at Scott in total astonishment.)

Not once? Do you know how easy that is to do? And when you don't, how much of an inconvenience it is for the next person to use the bathroom?

I hate to say it, Scotty, but this is one…terrible soul. Frankly, there's not much good to be had in there. To be honest with you, I don't really think it's worth my time to make all of this "go away." You'll probably figure it out on your own anyway. No worries. A little bleach, a little scrub-scrub-scrub, and you'll be fine.

(Backs away apologetically.)

Tell you what. You work on this whole soul thing for a little while, maybe rescue a kitten from a tree and try not to drown it. Get your credit score up a little-have fun cleaning up this blood by the way!-and we'll talk again in two, three years tops. Good luck!

(Disappears.)