Male teenaged actors who can hiccup through a 2-3 minute monologue will enjoy this comedic soliloquy.
HICCUPS
Neil has the hiccups throughout this monologue. They can be interspersed however the speaker desires.
NEIL
I've been reading a lot about hiccups lately. Mine have only lasted for two days, but there was a guy named Charles Osborne who hiccupped every couple of seconds for sixty-eight years. Sixty. Eight. Years. I don't know whether to be relieved or really, really worried. Somehow he still got married twice and had eight children, which I don't even want to think about, because just try to imagine for a second romancing a lady while you're hiccupping into her mouth like a frog.
(Pauses to check his status. Loud hiccup.)
Damn. I thought I'd scared 'em away with that last image. If I go back to school like this, I'm going to start getting unwanted attention. Paul will do that super annoying thing where he follows me around and says "Bless you" every time I hiccup, which is currently-what, every three and a half seconds? I'm so screwed.
Apparently in India having the hiccups means that somebody is talking about you somewhere. If that's the case then I am literally the most popular person in the entire world right now. There must be a slumber party on the other side of town where none of the girls have even been able to fall asleep because of how much they need to discuss every detail of my pointless life. God, I hope Kendall's there.
Unless they're talking trash about me. Or, I guess, if they're talking about how I've had the hiccups for two days. This could be an unending cycle.
(Tries to keep speaking and gets annoyed and holds his breath
for a few seconds. It doesn't work.)
Oh for the love of-this is the worst! How did that one guy not go insane? One more piece of trivia: the "official" word for a hiccup is "singultus." Yeah, it comes from Latin and it means "the act of catching one's breath while sobbing."
No-hic-freaking-hic-kidding.
